The Good German

A painstakingly slow, miserable dud.

The tagline on the poster reads “If war is Hell then what comes after?” I’m no expert, but it seems to me that whatever comes next can’t be as much of a dismal mind-numbing experience as this film. Chinese water torture has nothing on the tingling sensation I was left with after sitting through this movie. As a matter of reference, I’ve only genuinely fallen asleep on two movies: Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, and this film. Lord of the Rings clocked in at over 3 hours because Peter Jackson doesn’t believe in editing, while The Good German is only about half as long. See where I’m going with this? If not, let me continue by saying that if I had to choose between the two I would undoubtedly choose Lord of the Rings because it would not leave me with the feeling that I’ve been induced into a coma.

You may think that I’m overstating the issue, and if you do think that, then please by all means spend your money and count your brain cells as they quickly flee from the back of your mind in terror.

Point is that there is no reason to watch this film, none. Soderberg is a smart guy, and at times very talented– hell everyone in this film is. For whatever reason though, it didn’t occur to anyone that any person who would have an interest in this film (people who have seen and enjoy older film noir) probably don’t want to see a lazy, mash-up recreation. Clooney’s role as Capt. Geismer takes the cake as easily the most bumbling and confused “hero” that is supposed to be taken seriously and hardly does Clooney’s credibility any favors. Meanwhile, it seemed that casting figured if Tobey Maguire smoked and used dirty words that he would also be taken seriously. Cate Blanchett, who supposedly studied Marlene Dietrich and Ingrid Bergman for inspiration in her role, was so vapid and uninteresting that I wonder if she was attempting to recreate them as they are now– cold and dead.

Soderberg should have known better than to do this film the way he did it– the faux-film noir cinematography even manages to be awful, so there’s no point in seeing the film even for that. Furthermore, there were far too many ill-fated plot-twists (which failed both as a twist, and on the basis that there was no plot to twist to begin with) which leads to an ending that seemed to be tacked on so that the audience can see what Casablanca would be like if it were made today as a b-movie one last time.

The whole project wreaks of laziness, unoriginality, and devoid thinking. For the love of all that is good, I implore you to just either rent a bunch of film noirs or, if you have to watch a movie from the past decade, LA Confidential.

Overall Rating: 10